I needed a place to let this out so I’m using Tumblr to do it…
I have photos of me and my dad at my office and in my apartment proudly on display in his memory and to help me remember to keep “my shit” together. He was always the one who MADE me get whatever it is that needed getting done DONE. Our repoire tended to be one that included a lot of yelling back and forth at each other, but that’s how we spoke often times…not with hate but rather with passion. He would get mad that I hadn’t done something yet and I’d fight back saying “I’m getting to it,” that kinda thing.
Long story short, though, I haven’t cried over my dad in awhile but last night I was on the bus going home from a concert thinking about all the strides I’ve made with my music over the course of the past year (finding a new producer and working on my first full-band album, actually touring, booking shows on bigger stages than I’ve ever played before with amazingly talented acts from all over the country) and I just broke down. I waited ‘til I got to my apartment to let a few tears out, but here’s the fact: I really miss my dad. A lot. And I want to tell him all about the cool music stuff … but I can’t because he’s up in the sky somewhere and I’m down on the ground living life.
This may be really weird but my mom still hasn’t gotten rid of his cell phone line so we can still call his voice mail and hear his voice. I used to call it a lot more. Hadn’t in forever though. Finally did again last night. It was nice to hear his voice but it was really hard because I was left thinking “He’s already been gone for almost four years (in January) and only more time is going to pass and somehow it feels like forever since I’ve seen or talked to him.”
It’s a lot to think about and a lot to deal with. It’s pretty likely I’ll write a song about it one of these days, but for now… Tumblr will do.